Falling
by Dark Princess Of Daydreaming
Summary: "He's not coming back." The words kept repeating, but they didn't make sense. Clint would never leave her...he promised. How can he be gone? And in her broken state, she whispered three impossible words: "I loved him." Told from Natasha's POV, rated T to be safe. Please R&R.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Crashing

_"He's not coming back."_

Somehow, the words seemed to echo inside her head without penetrating her brain, because they made absolutely no sense. None at all. That was why everyone was staring at the poor, young S.H.I.E.L.D. agent –it was because they felt sorry for him…

But they weren't staring at him anymore; they were staring at her. Because somehow they understood the words that she, fluent in a dozen languages, could not.

_He's not coming back._

It had started out like a good day. Clint was still away on a mission, but for once, Stark Tower hadn't felt empty because of it. She, Tony, Pepper, Bruce, and Steve had hung out and actually had civilized conversation for once, at least for a little while. Then she'd had to beat Tony up, but that was normal and expected. They'd goofed off, and she'd actually let herself be a little looser for once. They'd played _Just Dance _and sung karaoke, and tonight they'd ordered pizza and planned to watch a movie which was full of actors that Tony claimed looked just like them.

When the doorbell had rung and J.A.R.V.I.S. had buzzed up, they'd thought it was the pizza delivery boy.

They'd he'd asked for Natasha, and she'd known something was wrong, and she'd fought to keep panic from her face. When he'd said it was about Clint, she'd felt her heart stop.

_He's not coming back._

"No," she whispered.

"I'm sorry," he said.

She couldn't speak.

"What happened?" Tony asked. He started to put his arm around Natasha, then seemed to realize it might be a bad idea.

Instead, he handed her a tissue, one that actually looked clean.

And then the world was truly ending, because Tony was doing something right and trying to help her, and that never happened, because he was supposed to be the annoying, bratty, childish one. Instead, she felt like the child.

"Caught in an explosion while saving a group of innocent civilians."

"He was always too good for me," Natasha whispered, before turning away.

This time Pepper was the kind one, letting her cry into her shoulder.

It was wrong, all wrong. This couldn't be happening, it wasn't possible, he wouldn't do this to her. He was Clint; he was her partner. He wouldn't have left her. Couldn't have.

"_I promise I'll always be there, even when you don't want me."_

_ "You're gonna be old and gray, Legolas."_

He would be there, because he'd promised, and because she still wanted him by her side. She wanted – no, she _needed_ – her stupid, charming, protective, strong, witty partner.

He would never break a promise.

Unless he had to.

"No, no, no!" she sobbed. "Clint!"

Her head slipped off of Pepper's shoulder, and she fell to her knees, hitting the floor hard, but feeling no pain. Nothing could hurt more than him leaving.

Except him not coming back.

Natasha wasn't sure how long she sat there, rocking back and forth on her knees, silent tears streaming down her face. All she knew was that Clint was gone and no one knew how to react to her reaction. They just stood there behind her, letting her have her grief, occasionally murmuring something about the tragedy of the situation, or sniffling a little themselves. But they didn't try to make it better, or try to tell her that it would be okay, for which she was grateful. Just a murmured apology, a hand on her shoulder – because it wasn't okay.

Not at all.

How could it have been just earlier that day that they'd been joking around, arguing, playing games, and talking about watching a _movie_? They could've been doing something, could've been saving him. And then he could've been there.

"Clint," Natasha whispered, but of course he didn't respond.

_He's not coming back._

_ He's not coming back._

_ He's not coming back._

The words repeated themselves over and over. No meaning, and yet far, far too much.

_He's not coming back._

_ He's not coming back._

_ He's not coming back._

At some point, the pizza delivery boy arrived, and Natasha nearly stabbed him when he asked for money, because how could anyone be thinking about pizza and money at a time like this? Clint was gone! He was _gone_ and he wasn't coming back, and how could he be asking for money? How could he…how could…

She stopped crying.

She dried her tears.

She stood up.

And she walked inside.

She cut a slice of pizza, ate a few bites of it. Ate a few more.

She pretended like it didn't taste like cardboard.

She told pretended like everything was okay.

And she sternly gave herself a list of command in her head, normal things, so that she didn't look like she was breaking of about to throw up.

"Natasha?" Pepper asked hesitantly.

She didn't respond for a moment, because her head was so messed up and she wasn't sure she could speak. "Yes?"

"You're eating the bottom of the box, honey."

And Natasha dissolved into helpless tears at the ridiculousness of it all and the fact that everything was wrong and breaking and at any other time it would've been funny. But the pizza-slice-shaped hole cut in the box by Natasha was like the gaping hole her partner's death had sliced in her heart and there was no humor left in her. There was only pain and tears and the knowledge that despite how badly the universe had just wronged her, it was probably nothing more than what she deserved.

And it was this wrongness that allowed her to look up at Pepper, look at Tony and Steve and Bruce over Pepper's shoulder, and see their faces, which were pained and sad too. It was this wrongness that made her cease her tears suddenly and forced her to speak. It was this wrongness that allowed her to finally say what she had felt for so long.

"I loved him."

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**A/N: So, I'm planning on making this a 3-part story, with the next part going up sometime this week. ****PLEASE review and let me know what you think! I love hearing your opinions on things that I write.  
**

**Thanks for reading!**

**-DP**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sorry it's up kind of late, I had to do English homework. Not sure how long it'll be until chapter 3, since I'm back in school now. I hope you enjoy it...it's mostly flashbacks of good times and lots of Clintasha fluff. The bit at the end was something that came to me...not sure how it turned out.**

**REVIEW! Please. If you review, I will love you forever, because they really encourage me. It doesn't even take that long! Just put your thoughts in that little box.**

**Shout out to my bff, PJ, I hope you like it.**

**Enjoy!**

**-DP**

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Chapter 2: Flying

_"He's not coming back._"

He wasn't coming back, but she could pretend. She could remember. It hurt, but then, she didn't really have a choice, did she?

_"Ready for an adventure, Nat?" he asked, a big grin on his face like he was a little kid again. She couldn't help but love that grin._

_ "It's a wedding," she pointed out. "That hardly qualifies as an adventure."_

_ "It's Tony Stark's wedding," he pointed out, and she had to concede the point. His expression changed from something playful to something more serious. "You look beautiful, by the way. Trying to put the bride to shame?"_

_ She swatted him, wondering why the compliment made her feel suddenly light – she got compliments from men often, and had long since stopped taking any meaning from them. She got into the car, and they rode in silence for a while._

_ "You're gonna dance with me, right?"_

_ She looked up, startled. "You want me to dance with you?"_

_ "Well, usually you're trying to kill me, so I think this will be a nice change," he said cheerfully. "Unless, of course, you don't _want _to dance with me, in which case I would be hurt, but hey, it's your decision."_

_ "Of course I'll dance with you, Hawkeye."_

_ "Did you just call me "hot guy"?" _

_She groaned at the familiar line and just shook her head, laughing the way only Clint could make her laugh._

There had been something about Clint that had broken down the emotional wall that she'd carefully built up around herself. No one else had managed it.

"_Clint!" she shrieked, as he grabbed her around the waist, pulling her down on his lap. He laughed, and she felt his warm breath tickle her ear, a sharp contrast to the cold night air. _

"_That's my girl."_

"_I'm not your girl," she protested, but for some reason, her cheeks warmed slightly. It was ridiculous! She'd been in much more intimate situations, yet _Clint,_ her _partner_ was making her stomach flutter? She buried her face in his shoulder so that he couldn't see her blushing._

_Too late._

"_Are you blushing, Nat?" He sounded surprisingly serious._

"_Of course not. It's cold," she scoffed. She was the Black Widow, for God's sake, why was she blushing?_

_He took her face in his hands and forced her to look into his deep, beauteous blue eyes. "Natasha Romanoff," he whispered, like it was something to be revered, and she shivered. He leaned forward slowly, slowly, his eyes never leaving hers…_

_The balcony door banged._

"_Uh, sorry," Steve mumbled, clearly embarrassed. He fled back inside._

"_Don't move, or the moment will be broken," Clint told her, when she tried to pull away, her senses having been returned._

"_What moment?" she tried to bluff, but he raised his eyebrows. "I mean it's already broken, Steve just interrupted, not that there was anything to interrupt," she babbled. She never babbled._

"_Tasha, shut up and let me kiss you." Clint commanded. She did better than that._

_She kissed him first, so fiercely she knocked over both of their hot chocolates, all over Tony's balcony._

_Neither of them really cared._

That was back in December, and they'd been "together" (or something like that) ever since. It had scared Natasha how much this man meant to her, and she been afraid everything would be yanked away from her, the way love always was.

Now it had been.

"_Merry Christmas, Nat. Now close your eyes," Clint told her softly. She caught a brief glimpse of a fire in the fireplace, a huge stack of presents (Tony's doing – he liked to wrap things in boxes twice the size of the present), and a lit tree. Then his hands covered her eyes._

"_What's the surprise?" she asked cautiously._

"_Just wait and see." She heard the smile in his voice. "You look beautiful, by the way," he added._

_She smiled and felt a familiar fluttery feeling. "Thanks. Now about that surprise…"_

_He chuckled and steered her farther into the room, finally seating her in a chair – unfortunately to in his lap. Somehow, he still kept her eyes covered._

"_Can I see yet?"_

"_Alright." He removed his hands._

_She glanced around the room, not seeing anything different, and her eyes were drawn to him. "Hey, handsome," she teased, seeing him all dressed up in a suit. "Someone's looking good. I'm not sure what the surprise is though."_

"_Me, of course. What could be better?" He winked and she laughed, because she didn't want anything else, not if he was an option. "No, I do have something for you, I would be a jerk otherwise," he confessed, and she laughed again. He placed a surprisingly heavy envelope in her hands. "Don't' open this now – you'll know when the time is right." Then he handed her a surprisingly light box saying, "You're a hard woman to shop for, Tasha."_

"_You didn't need to get anything," she told him, frowning, but he shook his head._

"_I would be a jerk if I didn't get something for the woman I love." He smiled apologetically, but she was too busy thinking._

_He loved her. He _loved_ her._

"_Love is for children, Clint," she whispered, but without confidence. She just sounded scared, because her walls were shattering around her, and she didn't know if she was ready for that._

"_You always said I acted like a child." He kissed her cheek. "I don't expect you to say it back. I just want you to know…_ _I promise I'll always be there, even when you don't want me."_

_ "You're gonna be old and gray, Legolas," she managed, and he laughed. She took a deep breath and looked down at the present that she'd been unwrapping in her lap. "I don't understand." She looked at Clint questioningly. "An iPod?"_

_ "Look a little closer."_

_ She pushed a button, surprised to see that the little device was fully charged, since she doubted they were sold that way. But more than that, there was music already on the device, music that stirred old memories…_

_ "How did you know?" she demanded, staring down at a list that included several Russian songs from her childhood, classic American songs that Clint had once tried to educate her on, and some of her personal favorites. She hadn't realized how much Clint remembered._

_ "Because I know you," he replied. She kissed him, wondering what she had done to deserve him._

Clint. What was she supposed to do without him? Sometime in the last few months, she'd fallen hard for him, and now he wasn't there to catch her.

_"I love you, you know?" he whispered, staring at her in amazement._

_ She smirked. "That's because I just saved your ass from assassins and you're still in shock, hot guy." She sheathed her pistols and kissed him briefly on the cheek, a breach of protocol, but who was going to protest?_

_ "No," he said seriously, "Nat, you are amazing and I love you."_

_ She whipped a pistol out, shooting a missed assassin over his shoulder. "Haven't you got any better places to have this conversation?"_

_ "I'm keeping it real," he said, winking, and she smiled reluctantly._

_ As she turned away, she spoke in a carrying whisper, "I love you too, Clint." A moment later, she felt his arms around her._

"Better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all." Whoever had said that had obviously never been in love.

_ "Superheroes? In New York?" Tony joked._

_ "What are you talking about, I don't see any heroes," Natasha told Tony, smirking. But when she turned back to the little boy, her face was gentle._

_ "What's your name?"_

_ "Will."_

_ The Avengers were doing a special presentation in New York, at Nick Fury's request, and many people were coming up to talk to them. It felt especially strange to Natasha and Clint, former assassins used to hiding, but Tony seemed to enjoy it._

_ "Who's your favorite hero, Will?" Clint asked, though it was fairly obvious by his costume._

_ "Iron Man!" Will exclaimed, staring at Tony with such adoration that even Natasha's heart melted a little. Clint squeezed her hand._

_ "Hey, buddy," Tony said, grinning._

_ "Here he goes again," Bruce sighed, before turning to smile and talk to someone else._

_ Tony shook hands with Will, talking excitedly and generally making the boy hero-worship him even more. Eventually, the boy and his mom moved on, and three teenagers took their place._

_ "Oh my God, it's Hawkeye," the teen on the left, a red-haired girl, hissed to the other two. She and the teen on the right, a brown-haired boy, were dressed like Clint. The dark-haired girl in the middle was dressed like Natasha, which Natasha found kind of weird._

_ "This is like all of your dreams come true," agreed the other girl. "She would marry you if she could, you know," the girl added louder, obviously speaking to Clint. "Liz is crazy that way. I mean, she would if she didn't think you and Black Widow were meant to be."_

_ "Well," Clint said, glancing in amusement at Natasha, "I'm taken." _

_ When he leaned over to kiss Natasha softly on the lips, the three teens looked weirdly as though all of their dreams were coming true. Maybe because Natasha was feeling happier than she'd ever been._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Falling

The day of the funeral dawned gray and stormy, the sky almost the exact color of his eyes, and it was too much for Natasha. As she stared at the little black funeral dress on her bed, she broke down sobbing once again, all reservations gone. What did it matter if she was acting nothing like the Black Widow should? Clint was gone and nothing was right anyway.

_He's not coming back._

"Shut up!" she screamed through her tears.

There was a knock on the door, and Pepper's voice called out to her hesitantly, "Natasha?"

"Come in," she whispered.

Pepper entered cautiously. "Oh, honey," she whispered, "come here."

And Natasha allowed her friend to wrap her arms around her in a tight hug, even as she sobbed into the other woman's shoulder. "He's not coming back, Pepper. I'll never hear his voice again. Or see his eyes. I…" She choked a little. "I don't even get to say a proper goodbye to him." There was no body to bury, even.

"I know, I know," Pepper murmured soothingly. "Just get dressed, okay? Do you need me to get you anything?"

"I'll be okay." Natasha whispered. It was the biggest lie she'd ever told – and that was saying something coming from her. Pepper rubbed her back sympathetically and left, closing the door softly behind her.

But instead of getting ready, Natasha stared dully at the dress and sank lowly to her knees, burying her face in her hands. But she didn't cry anymore, just tried to breathe.

Then she remembered.

_Don't open this now – you'll know when the time is right._

The envelope.

Natasha practically flew over to the closet, at which point she began roughly pushing aside dresses and uniforms, tossing aside shoes and guns, trying to remember where in her huge, formerly organized closet she'd hidden it. And there it was, tucked into the pocket of a coat that she'd worn on a particularly stressful mission to Russia. Her hands shook as she broke the seal, sank to the ground, and drew out the crisp, handwritten note.

A small circle of metal fell into her lap.

She picked it up as though picking up a live bomb and then slowly turned back to the note.

_Dear Tasha._

_ I love you. You mean more to me than I could ever say, and I would gladly spend the rest of my life trying to prove it to you. But if you're reading this, then it means that something has happened and I can't say this to you in person, because I know you wouldn't read it otherwise._

_ Marry me. Just say the words, Nat, and it's enough. I promise I will love you, treasure you, protect you if you'll let me, and stay with you. Forever. I do. You're my best friend, my partner, and my life, and I will give you everything that I have to give, Natasha Romanoff._

_ But the most important thing I have to tell you is…be happy. Mourn me, miss me, and know that someday we will be together again but I hope that eventually you can move on. I know how hard it is for you to open up, but you deserve to live the fullest life you possibly can._

_ I will always be with you, Tasha, I promise._

_ I love you._

_ -Clint_

And when she finished reading, not even the biggest, strongest dam could've held back her tears.

…

Standing in front of the small group of family, friends, and agents that was in attendance at the funeral, Natasha almost broke again. But instead, she took a deep breath, twisted the ring that she now wore on her finger, and began to speak.

"Clint Barton was everything I could've ever asked for and more. He was sent to kill me, but instead he changed my life forever. Eventually, he became my partner. Then my friend. Then my best friend and closest – really, my only – confident.

"But he did so much more than that, so much that I can never properly thank him for and that I could never repay him for, even if he was still alive. He taught me to love." She paused, feeling the weight of every eye in the room. "And I fell for him. Of course, I denied it, even to myself, for years." There were some knowing chuckles at that.

"I regret that," Natasha continued, and they all fell silent. "I regret even more that I never told him, in clear words, at least, how much I really cared for him. Care for him," she corrected herself, because she still cared. Too much. So much that she was pouring it out to everyone else, and yet they didn't think her weak for it; they thought her stronger. "Barton, you stupid, infuriating, sarcastic, good, kind, loyal, obnoxious, crazy, sweet, supportive moron…I love you." More chuckles as she took a breath.

"Why did you have to die?" she asked quietly, brokenly. "So few good things have happened to me in my life and you were the best of them all. It's nothing more than I deserve, but far less than you deserved, so I have to wonder whether the universe doesn't have some sick sense of humor.

"You said you would never leave me. Promised, actually, so I'll keep looking for you. Waiting for you." And then the tears began to come back, even as she tried to blink them away. "Until then, Clint…I do." She took a deep breath and stepped down from the podium.

"Natasha."

She would know that voice anywhere, but hearing it here had to be some kind of trick. Another joke from the universe. But her eyes betrayed her in their search for him.

"Clint?" she whispered.

And then she saw him.

He stood in the doorway with his hair disheveled; tie crooked; eyes tired, with dark circles under them; and holding (of all things) a stuffed elephant, but it was him nonetheless. Tears ran down his face as he watched her.

"Clint!" she cried out, and he opened his arms as she ran to him. "How dare you, Clint Barton!" she sobbed, as pain and amazement gave way to anger.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I will never leave you again."

Finally, she stopped crying and just stared at him silently, paying no attention to all of the other funeral guests. "Barton," she said, some of her old humor returning, "didn't anyone ever tell you not to dress up for your own funeral?"

…

The wedding took place a week later. It was a quiet affair, with only their fellow Avengers and other close friends in attendance, but it was perfect. They both said, "I do," and when he kissed her, Natasha was struck by the feeling that she was finally home.

Of course, he wouldn't be Tony Stark if he didn't throw a huge reception party for the couple in celebration. And then there were the small matters of Steve sobbing throughout the entire ceremony and half of the reception, Tony bursting out of the cake, and Loki trying to crash the party. But none of it could've kept the couple (named Clintasha by a slightly drunk Tony) from their happiness.

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**A/N: I know, I know, it's been ages, I'm sorry. I kind of stopped posting anything for awhile, but I'm back now, since it's summer break. This story is done but I have a bunch of other Avengers ones, if you're interested. **

**I hope you've enjoyed reading, and please please please review. Thanks!**

**-DP**


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